Sniping at the Presidential Campaign

Area Dean Supporter Secretly Relieved that Dean Campaign Pretty Much Over

James Johnson of Brookline, Massachusetts secretly reported his relief that Howard Dean's campaign for the presidency is pretty much over. "Honestly, I'm kind of exhausted from the past year of meetups and campaigning and I'm ready to get back to the rest of my life," confided Johnson, 26, former political science major and analyst for a non-profit policy firm in Boston. "Plus, I had decided to stop buying CDs and instead put that money towards online donations to the Dean campaign every month, and at this point I'd like to start adding more albums to my music collection, again." Johnson was a constant fixture at various MassForDean events in the Boston area and spent almost every other weekend during the fall and early winter canvassing in New Hampshire and holding "Dean for America" signs at visibility events. He mentioned some initial relief after the New Hampshire primary ended that the campaign was now out of his hands and no longer the responsbility of New Englanders. "The midwesterners in Michigan and Wisconsin will finally start taking responsibility for doing the ground work of campaigning." A month later he confesses, "It looks like the campaign wasn't able to put them to any better use than they put us. But I'm so happy I no longer have to feel guilty about staying home over the weekend and cleaning my apartment and running errands rather than campaigning up in New Hampshire. And those letters. I no longer have to write those useless personal letters." Johnson concluded with a sigh and indicated that he was also looking forward to canceling the $4.95 monthly charge that supports his Dean site NonProfitPolicyAnalystsForDean.org.

John Forbes Kerry. War Hero. Anti-War Spokesman. Senator. Total Stud.

I'm reminded of a statement from Prince Charles' private secretary last fall, "I just want to make it entirely clear, even though I can't refer to the specifics of the allegation, that it is totally untrue and without a shred of substance." Unfortunately for Matt Drudge, attempts to get this to hit the mainstream are failing, and CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox, and CNN seem unimpressed at Drudge's trumpeting that the allegations have been taken up by west-Podunk-AM-Radio's 2 AM talk show.

We have a couple possibilities here. First is that this was an attempt to get Bush's National Guard story off the lips of reporters. Instead, of course, Drudge had to defer to the mainstream media, as he's put the latest development in the National Guard story as top billing, again. Either that, or Kerry would be forced to discuss his previous treatment for prostate treatment in the hopes that voters would refuse to elect someone who admitted to having been impotent at a stage in his life.

The real story, of course, is that John Kerry's ex-girlfriend from the 80s, Emma Gilbey, dumped him for Pink Floyd guitarist David Gilmour. Which means that Kerry is indirectly connected to Pink Floyd. Bush, on the other hand, had Ricky Martin sing at his inauguration. Now come on. Whose nominee is cooler?

The most pressing issue of our time?

No, I'm not talking about steroids in professional sports. I'm talking about what will no doubt become the centerpiece of Bush's re-election campaign-- constitutionally banning gay marriage. The entire premise of this blog wasn't intended to make jokes about relationships and marriage when it came to the presidential campaign. The problem is that the candidates have made it impossible for me not to do so. John Kerry asked us to "marry" him. George W. Bush wants to encourage some people to get married who want to be single but wants to to stop others who want to get married. And if that weren't bad enough, these concerns will make up the centerpiece of the Bush re-election campaign. September 11th was supposed to make the end of decadence and triviality. Shark attacks and Gary Condit were supposed to be forgotten. What'd we trade it in for? Dean's scream, conerns about Teresa Heinz Kerry, and the pressing danger that legal partnership arrangements will corrupt our precious bodily fluids.

Oh, and things that might actually endanger our health? Not important.

Dreading Meetup

Alright, I love Howard Dean meetups. When you find a candidate you really believe in, the first thing you (should) think is, "What can I do to help?" Going to meetup suddenly puts you in touch with a bunch of like-minded people and gives you opportunities to get involved.

But then there's the Dark Side of meetup. Namely, you suddenly have to put up with all the people you generally prefer to avoid. I mean, let's face it-- meetup has the unfortunate habit of attracting people without real jobs. On average, meetups have a lot of normal everyday people. Before you start claiming that meetup is just a bunch of college kids, let me say that nothing could be further from the truth. The average age of a meetup attendee is well into his or her 40s-- and I live in a college town!

The media stereotype of meetup-goers and Howard Dean supporters is young kids with dyed hair and body piercings. This is totally crap. In fact, it is sometimes much worse. A lot of people attracted to meetup were people who hadn't been involved in a campaign or politics before and wanted to know how they could help. These are the kinds of people that are needed. However, attending meetup forces you to confront every bad stereotype of impotent liberal activism all in one place. These are the sorts of people you don't see on a regular basis because you're really out of the loop when it comes to the latest campaign to fight for a living wage for the mail clerks at the office building downtown. But now they've heard of Howard Dean and meetup, and this is the latest cause-for-people-with-too-much-time-on-their-hands that they get drawn to. There's the middle aged car-less "consultant" constantly bumming rides to one political event or another. Then there's the just-scraping-by young liberal woman with a full-sticker-price education being exploited by the local non-profit agency in town. And don't even get me started on the chronically underemployed person pushing 50 with nothing better to do than show up to activist events and repeat whatever talking points and cliches happen to be discussed among the liberal chattering classes (of which I, too, am a follower, but please-- we're all Democrats. We know the talking points. Anyone up for an original thought?).

The point of meetup was to give normal people who don't normally get involved the opportunity to help work for what they believed in, not a caravan for gypsy activists to hop onto.

On the merits of not settling down

A reader Cargocultist provides a counterargument to the claim that we might want to settle down with Kerry and chimes in on the advantages of not deigning to settle at all:

[S]peaking as somebody who can be authoritative on the approaching 40 front, it's really not like that at all. I mean, you've waited this long, and you kind of enjoy being single, and sure it would still be nice if the right candidate came along, but the rest of your life is still an awfully long time, you know the two kids and the house in the suburbs thing is vastly overrated, and there is absolutely no evidence for a shortage of children being any kind of social problem. So yes, it might look appealing from a certain angle, but you realise it's still worth hanging on to your principles - and let's face it, there's a certain schadenfreude quality to letting Bush deal with the problems he's created. It's like physical exercise, it hurts, it takes a while to work, you wonder why you even bother, but at this rate, another 4 years of Bush, and the Republicans won't get public office again for another 40 years, and no american will be able to go on holiday anywhere overseas for fear of being arrested for war crimes.

Well, I see the point. No pain, no gain, after all, when it comes to your country, but those of us with regular foreign travel plans might not find this scenario particularly appealing.

For just $3.99 a day...

Once again, while CampaignSniping presciently identified the silent crisis of imperiled singles when it came to the president's bold new initiatives to strengthen and encourage marriage in America as the centerpiece of his re-election campaign, we have this heartfelt plea from a New York Times reader:

Dear Mr. Safire,

Regarding "The Kennedy Comeback" (January 26, 2004), I truly wonder what your opinion would be if you made, oh, say, $9.00 an hour? Have you ever tried to imagine that? It doesn't seem so. After all, you yourself are rather wealthy. Aren't you?

I have a Ph.D. and make $12.50 an hour caring for disabled people. I have no insurance, I get no vacation or sick days. I get no lunch hour, nor any breaks.
...
Mr. Safire, do the math.... I take home less than $1,600 per month.
...
My rent, here in low-cost Pittsburgh, is a very, very cheap (even for this area) $380 a month. I live in a dump. I must have a car -- the best value I could find -- a Hyundai Elantra -- after my 20-year-old Honda Civic finally died. The monthly payment is $300. Don't forget insurance. So, right off, with just those two very minimal payments almost 50% of my take-home pay is gone. Now, add in food and do the math. There is no house, no kids, no family, no vacation, no digital cable, no dating, no eating out.

What's a single person supposed to do, here? Aren't difficult economic conditions and poor opportunities for advancement hurting the ability of able-bodied singles to attract a mate and get married? Clearly, we can look forward to the coming "war on bachelor- and spinsterhood" in the form aid to these singles in desperate need.

Federal aid for the desperate

Bush's plan to promote healthy marriages is almost farcical in its plan, mostly because it ignores a demographic most in need of $1.5 billion in age -- single people! Look, what do single people like us really need to find a spouse? That's right... federal aid to get dates. We probably want a voucher system instead of direct stipend payments for single people. These vouchers can be applied to subscription fees for various online dating services. Plus, we need our expenses reimbursed for dinner, drinks, and entertainment. Even at the paltry rate of 1 date every two weeks, this can easily cost you $50/month, if not more. And, of course, to make oneself presentable, we're going to need aid for clothing expenses. Some potential mates can be demanding about those sorts of things. And isn't being presentable part of having a healthy marriage? Vouchers for gym membership to whip those flabby singles back into dating-scene shape is something we need to keep in mind, as well. Of course, given some of Bush's recent statements about supposed threats to marriage, presumably we'll have to sign an affidavit that all dating activities are strictly heterosexual. And what will he do to prevent actual offenses to marriage? So, Mr. President, are you going to get serious about promoting marriage, or not? Where's my check? Single life is costing me plenty, you know!

Imitation is the highest form of politics

Once again, John Kerry, is the guy who tells you what you need to hear while you're going through the motions. It turns out that Bush "fails the test of the commander in chief.". Gee, where have I heard stuff like that before? Now Kerry has "got religion" and decided to fight against special interests because Bush has "favored tax cuts for the wealthy and special favors for the special interests over what’s fair for middle class Americans." Hmm.. it's almost as if there were Two Americas, or something.

In fairness, let's not forget that one of the paleolithic instances of rhetorical plagiarism in the Democratic campaign came from Howard Dean.

I didn't sign up for this!

What the hell is going on at the Howard Dean campaign? Not only is the campaign running out of money. Not only did Joe Trippi write checks to purchase ads from his own political consulting company. The infamous "Dean Scream" (yes, yes, it was overplayed by the media) was the result of Trippi's advice to give a "pumped up" concession speech in the wake of his loss in Iowa. Look, if I wanted a candidate who wasted lots of money and took bad advice from his advisors, I'd be a Bush supporter.

Love Stories

Following up on the idea of candidate-as-relationship, something's striking about Kerry, Edwards, and Dean.

Kerry has become the "dependable" frontunner that noone really likes, but everyone is comfortable as a public face of the party in November. One's relationship with Kerry can be termed as purely physical based on certain mutual needs. He's going through the motions of saying all the right things, but we both know that's it's all just for show, and the truth is that both of you have had a long dry spell. Everyone is consenting adults, and we have no illusions about what the deal is. In the morning when he says, "I'll call you," both people involved can look each other in the eye, give a wry smirk, and mutually acknowledge that he's not really going to call. And we're ok with that. We got what we wanted

Edwards, on the other hand, is actively seducing us into voting for him. He says a lot of the same things Kerry does, but you really believe he means it, even though you don't necessarily want someone in your life to mean it, and certainly you'd rather fall in love with someone else, but it certainly is nice to feel special. While, intellectually, you might know that his sketchy past in the courtroom means that you can almost rest assured he's going to break you're heart, you want to believe what's he's saying. This is the guy you spend the next week waiting next to the phone for a phone call.

And then there's Howard Dean. Ah, Dean. The love of your life. Yeah, maybe he's a bit more rough around the edges than Edwards and isn't tall and commanding like Kerry, but you love the guy. You'd do anything for him. And for the life of him, he can't get his act together. You're willing to be patient and stand by him. You know he's smarter and has more integrity than most of the other people involved. You've waited the better part of your life to meet someone like him, and you're hoping one morning he'll wake up, one of those several kicks-in-the-pants he's received lately will suddenly cause things to click, and he'll become a responsible guy. But deep down you have a feeling that things won't work out and 20 years from now you'll tell stories about the old love of your life before you moved on.

Dated Dean Married Kerry?

Maybe, come around March, I may well end up "marrying Kerry" after my stint with the Howard Dean campaign. But it's the sort of marriage you have after things with the love of your life went south and she married someone else, and then you realize that everyone else you might have been interested in has moved away or gotten married, and after you get bored with the online personals and all of your friends have tried setting you up with someone to no avail, you realize that you're pushing 40, and you kind of like being single, though you'd really like to have a family, and you come to visit your parents in your old home town and you run into someone you grew up with and were never really into and found kind of bland, and she's not married either, and you certainly don't dislike her, and sure, you're used to being on your own, and sparks don't exactly fly, but you don't find being around her to be totally unpleasant, and at your age that really counts for a lot, so you figure you feel ready to settle down, and you get married, and it's a little late to have a big family, but you still have time to have a socially acceptable 2 children and buy a nice home in the suburbs and you accept the fact that you'll never be a hip young married couple, and besides, who has time for that now that you're both deep into your careers, anyway? So, yeah, I could see myself marrying Kerry.